Funny CV

Objective

To use my special powers get a paycheck, all the while not really working but looking really busy. As long as looking busy isn’t really tiring, and leaves me time to play.

Skills

Things that make me special.

*      I started a fire in my friend’s bathroom. (With wet matches)

*      
I can read. In my own head, not out loud. (Though it helps if I read out loud)

*      I found a bag full of clothes at the airport. (I am lucky)

*      
I graduated from UCLA with four sets of honors.

*      Departmental Honors (Wrote a honors thesis over 100 pages)

*      Colligate Honors (For taking a bunch of unnecessary for my major, interdepartmental, harder then your average collage class electives)

*      Latin Honors (3.5GPA or greater)

*      I can edit  videos on both a MAC and PC. (But i’m faster on a Mac)

*      
Graduated from law school in May, 2005.

*      
Have maintained a high maintenance girlfriend.

*      Never smoked or done any illegal drugs in my life. (Don’t drink either)

*      Have kept five plants and one dog alive in an apartment with no direct sunlight.

*      I can type as fast as you can talk, if you wait for me to get it all down. (Even faster sometimes)

*      I bring the Heat with me to everything I do. (Note: sexual harassment insurance premiums may go up if I take the Heat out)

*      I like animals and plants. (I’m responsible)

*      I have both of my arms and all of my fingers. (I’m not unfortunate looking)

*      I am highly motivated, energetic, passionate, dedicated, energetic, team-oriented, energetic, a creative thinker, passionate, dedicated, did I mention energetic. (Did I mention I bring the Heat )

Work History

It puts the lotion in the basket, or it gets the hose.

*      Currently, lets just say I’m not getting the hose. (youtube content creator, and Social Media Consultant)

*     Before that, I was a pirate and pillaged 12 mid-island villages that only had stone weapons and huts built from dung.

*      Before that I was a member of an elitist upper class think-tank pondering the true equilibrium between the drudgery of labor and a conspicuous consumption of the leisure class.

*      Before that I started fires in a prison yard to burn the excess leaves in the yard.

*      Before that I was an unsuccessful bank robber.

Education

*      Mean Streets of Los Angeles. (Upright Citizens Brigade, Improvisational Acting)

*      Southwestern University School of Law, 
J.D.

*      UCLA, History 
B.A.